Redefining orgasm: A new approach to self-pleasure
What is your relationship like with your orgasm? What about your genitals? Your body? Or your pleasure, whether that pleasure be sexual, sensual, or joyful?
As a teenager, it was liberating to discover orgasms. It was like a whole universe had opened up, and I was hooked. It took me a few years of trial and error to finally experience the big 'O,' but when it happened, it felt like a lightbulb 💡... or a galaxy 🌌, exploding in my brain.
Fast forward to my early twenties, and I was utterly thrown when anxiety medication numbed my senses, and my relationship with orgasm became all but a distant memory.
If you're interested, you can read more about the time a doctor asked me to choose between happiness and sex?
While it was a confusing and painful period of my life, upon reflection, I am now so grateful for the path it put me on.
It transformed my relationship with my orgasm, genitals, body, and pleasure, each of which I now actively celebrate in all their complexities, fluctuations, and unique insights.
My body has been on a journey, and I’d like to share some of that journey with you in the hope that it will give you pause for reflection on where you are at, and where you’d like to be.
As a Sensual Intimacy Coach, Pleasure Workshop Facilitator, Sex Tech Writer, and Erotic Consultant, I have dedicated my career to gathering information and sharing it with people who are open to learning and growing in this area.
I’ve already shared some of my early endeavours of searching for my erotic self in exploring the sexual underworld, but this time I’ll delve into some of the more sensually intimate lessons that have shaped my relationship with self-pleasure.
Defining the elusive orgasm
What is an orgasm? Ask one person and they may say “an explosion”, another “like a genital sneeze”, and yet another “a full body wave of pleasure”.
The French called it “la petite mort”, or “the little death”, whereby the breath typically stops, as the trigger of an orgasm is the nervous system temporarily switching into a sympathetic state.
Orgasms are often described as an intense release of sexual tension that comes with muscle contractions, heightened emotions, and a deep sense of satisfaction.
While most people think of orgasms as being triggered by genital stimulation, they can also be sparked by touch in other sensitive areas like the nipples, through fantasies, from brushing teeth, or even in sleep - wet dream anyone?
According to the science, orgasm is essentially a brain event, where different parts of the nervous system respond to stimulation. In simple terms, an orgasm involves a release of delicious hormones such as the love-bonding hormone oxytocin, combined with rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor muscles.
It is sometimes accompanied with ejaculation, also known as “squirt” in people with vulvas, but this is separate from an orgasm.
If you struggle with orgasms, whether you're not sure if you’ve ever had one (just know you’re not alone) or perhaps you only experience them under certain conditions, I encourage you to reach out. I’d love to help in any way I can!
Getting creative with pleasure
When I couldn’t orgasm, I felt like I was broken. I was just starting my job as a researcher and writer for a vibrator company, and I felt like a fraud.
The visual pornography that used to work its magic effectively, just didn’t have the same impact. If anything, the more I tried, the more frustrated I became, and the less pleasure I inevitably felt.
Thankfully, due to the nature of my job, I was handed this opportunity to absorb and digest a wealth of knowledge. For example, I remember when I was working on a project, and I first discovered audio porn.
Now bearing in mind this was 2018, just before the explosion of audio erotica apps flooded the market. If you're curious, check out this article I wrote in 2019: Aural sex: Is audio porn the next big thing in adult content, or destined for censorship?
There was just something so powerfully sensual about audio. Something about the sounds that helped to reconnect me to a sense of curiosity. It challenged me to slow the fuck down. To enjoy the whole story. To use my imagination. To incorporate my whole body. With each of its senses.
And once again, the tingle of arousal I’d felt in the kinky clubs of the sexual underworld was showing itself once more in my self-pleasure.
Follow the pleasure
Something I teach my clients now is a concept taken from the wonderful teacher Betty Martin, called ‘following the pleasure’.
QUICK EXERCISE: Pick one part of your body, for example your earlobe. Start by just becoming aware of this body part and then begin to explore it with touch. Observe each sensation, temperature, texture, pressure.
Shift your awareness from your hand to the body part and your body part to the hand. And simply follow the pleasure - what feels good moment to moment. And let go what doesn’t feel good.
The more we practice pleasure, the more we can expand our experience of it!
As I started getting creative with my pleasure, I focused on what genuinely felt good to me, rather than sticking to a script of what I thought I should like or how I thought it should look.
In doing so, I started to notice where else in my body I was feeling sensation, beyond my genitals, and in slowing down I’ve become incredibly intuitive about what my body wants and needs, and how this can change from moment to moment.
Alternative erogenous zones that I’d totally ignored for the first decade of my self-pleasure, from teen-hood to my twenties, were awakening, and the more I paid attention, the more they expanded in their capacity for feeling.
For more personalised support, consider working with me 1:1. The best way to make sure I can support you is booking a free 15-mins intro call!
New orgasmic possibilities
Even when my orgasms felt like a world away, I began to revel in the joy of the journey; the pleasure adventure. And over the years, this is the orgasmic state that I now cherish.
Sure, an orgasm can be a great bonus, and with years of conscious mental unblocking, open-minded curiosity, and an ongoing pleasure practice, I’ve discovered (and continue to discover) a plethora of new ways to get that climactic experience that doesn’t rely on the same routine I relied on as a teenager.
Don’t get me wrong, the routine is useful, it’s familiar, it’s safe…
But once you realise that the neural pleasure pathways in your brain can be rewired, and you start believing in the infinite possibilities of pleasure, it opens you up to so much more.
Discovery has led to nipple-orgasms, hands-free orgasms, multiple orgasms, squirting experiences, new peak orgasmic states… and more.
Our bodies are wired for pleasure. And I am grateful to know that I am still learning every single time I explore.
A guided sensual self-touch workshop
If you’re looking to expand your capacity for pleasure and orgasm, I want to invite you to my second Sensual Self-Touch: A Mindful Body & Vulva Exploration workshop in September 2024.
In this 3-hour container, with around 20 gorgeous people with vulvas, you will be invited to explore alone, while together - combining exercises for introspection as well as connection. You will be guided through a powerful journey filled with tools, practices, and techniques to incorporate to your unique pleasure toolbox.
For more information, you can read about our first workshop over on Mashable