I used to feel numb: the healing powers of the sexual underworld
TW: mention of sexual coercion. Enjoy stories from my early days of attending adult play parties as a baby kinkster, discovering sensually intimate experiences, and an intention setting exercise!
What if embracing your playful curiosity and creative sensuality could lead to a life of profound pleasure and expansive intimacy?
A few weeks ago I shared with you part of my origin story of what led me to become so interested in the topic of sexual wellbeing. Being faced with the question “what would you choose: happiness or sex?” changed the course of my life, as I was determined to find harmony between both.
This is not to say that I’m a “perfectly happy sexual being” today - not at all. But I celebrate the fact that my journey has been one of boundless discovery that has brought me profound pleasure and expansive intimacy beyond what I could have ever imagined.
Curiosity awakened the cat
I’m excited to share with you some more of my early experiences, in the hope that it may inspire you to begin your own journey - that is if you haven’t already begun it.
To be honest, I believe we all begin our journeys as young children. Our curiosity and desire for being playful and seeking pleasure is so deeply human.
Yet, our society loves to enforce oppressive messages that tell us “this is wrong”. Many of us enter our teenage years with a sense of shame around our desires or our bodies. Masturbating to porn, or exploring each other’s bodies, only to discover that “porn is bad for you”, or “you’re a slut for doing that.”
I recall these younger years as an essential part of reflecting upon your own journey, as I believe that much of our sexual healing comes from a process of unlearning the harmful social scripts.
The rabbit hole of the sexual underworld
When I first discovered the rabbit hole of the sexual underworld, my world felt cracked open. There was a whole community of people who were resisting the heteronormative puritanical messages of taboo and queer-phobic and sex-negative shame that we may internalise.
And having graduated from studying Sexual Dissidence at university for my Masters in 2017, I was well aware of the queer theory that existed to dismantle those ideas. But there was something wholly unique about being confronted with the queer practice of sexual dissidence.
A world that celebrated kink as utterly wholesome; that viewed porn and sex work as an extension of our intimacy; that introduced me to the sensual realms of pleasure.
Having been numbed by my anxiety medication, I was determined to rediscover my sexual self through a new lens.
So I bravely ventured out into new territory…
A cheeky introduction to adult play parties
There’s something so uniquely wholesome about kink spaces that I never knew was possible. I remember how anxious I was before one of my first BDSM events, and how surprised I was to be met with such polite, kind, and caring people who were keen to learn and share experiences: “is this your first time?” or “what are your kinks?”
I was even asked explicit questions, such as: “may I touch you?” to which, when I responded with a “no”, was received with a genuinely grateful smile - without any resistance.
Something quite different from the straight-night clubs I’d frequented, having been groped and leered at with zero concern for my well being. I recall one time when I called out some guy for pinching my bum, to which he retorted “don’t flatter yourself, love”.
Charming. 🙄
No, these adult spaces were like a whole new world. Often filled with plenty of toys and tools, and beautifully dressed people with a playful attitude who were interested in sharing their own journeys of eroticism.
Picture this: dungeons echoing with the moans inflicted by spanking doms & dommes (dominants & dominatrixes), cages containing blindfolded rope bunnies (a person who enjoys being tied up), beds filled with endless limbs reaching out in pleasure.
Witnessing these sexual beings exploring their pleasure so openly, I began to feel something…
In my previously numbed body, there grew a tingle of arousal - things felt exciting again. It was like the rain was clearing.
(Song and dance break 🎶)
EXERCISE: Getting intentional
What blew my mind the most, was the question: “what are you hoping to get out of this night?”
Intention setting is something I love to teach my clients. Whether it’s before a date, before you masturbate, or before you go to a play party, it’s worth taking a moment to pause and ask ourselves… “what do I want the outcome to be?”
Never mind if the outcome isn’t as planned, but just being more intentional with our energy can help to shift our experience to a more presently expansive one. Here are some examples of intention setting in practice:
I went to an event recently, and my intention was “to reconnect with my erotic self and connect with likeminded people.” It did wonders for when I felt overwhelmed or anxious.
Before a date, a client of mine recently shared “I want to practise my flirting skills.” She left the date feeling more confident and proud of herself for trying even though she didn’t see it going anywhere.
Before masturbating: check-in with what you want, i.e. “I want to feel grateful for my body” or “I want to relax and fall asleep.” While for the first you might spend some time massaging your whole body, the second you might just whip out your fave vibe.
Every intention creates a different behaviour, leading to a different outcome.
If you want more tools like this one, drop me a message and I’d be happy to offer some guidance.
The darker sides of the sexual underworld
Of course, a lot of these kink-positive spaces aren’t going to be perfect. And by no means, do I want you to take this as a blueprint for you and your journey!
The reality is, I had some pretty awful experiences too. These experiences confronted me with the utter lack of consent education I’d received. I found that my boundaries were practically non-existent, and this led to some really unfortunate experiences, which in hindsight, I came to realise included sexual coercion.
I’d like to say at this point, if you can go with someone, there may be more safety (but that isn’t always guaranteed), and if you are looking to explore alone, make sure you familiarise yourself with the rules of the space, and know who is a welfare officer (usually someone wearing a hi-vis) to make sure you have the support you need.
Over the years, what I have learned in going to these spaces, is the importance of minimising the use of alcohol or drugs. Simply, from my own experience, because it can become even harder to negotiate boundaries, and check-in with ourselves. Though, naturally, people are going to be using, so just be aware of your own safety.
Not to mention the imbalance of power that can rear its ugly (or sometimes sexy) head. Of course, playing with power in a consensual setting can be incredibly hot, but also be aware of who has more privilege in these spaces, and who is socialised to feel more entitled to sex and pleasure.
A softer intro to sensually intimate experiences
Alongside the kinkier spaces, there was a whole world of sensual eroticism that I began discovering too. A big rabbit hole of the sexual underworld, by which I mean - once you go to one event, you are very likely to find more, and more, and more.
For example, after bonding with a gorgeous woman at a sapphic play party over our love of massages, she invited me to an event that was unlike anything I’d ever heard of before.
Picture this: a purple lit room, floor covered in black tarpaulin, surrounded by around 20 naked women, rolling around on the floor in warm lavender oil. Bizarre right? But this was one of the most alive and connected to my body I’d possibly ever felt.
From there, I met a Tantric masseuse and booked in my first ever vulva squirting massage, and a few steps from there I ended up working with a sex and relationship coach who helped me develop my confidence in exploring my sensuality from a more embodied approach.
All of these incredible experiences, good and bad, led me to where I am today.
Though I found myself flailing a lot of the time (and still do today! I’m not perfect, remember), I feel so lucky to have had a guide who shared so much wisdom, and ultimately helped discover and articulate my own inner wisdom which inspired me to do what I do today - supporting others who are on their unique path toward fulfilling love and expansive pleasure.
Kickstart your sensual intimacy journey today
I sincerely hope this story was enlightening for you - feel free to share with anyone who you think might appreciate this read.
If you’re just starting out on your own journey, and don’t know where to begin, or perhaps you’ve already started and want some intimacy support and emotional guidance, well, I have a whole pleasure chest of tools and ideas that, honestly, I’m just dying to share with you.
Whether you want to explore your sensual kinky side, unlearn harmful sexual scripts, practice setting boundaries, or deepen your intimacy with pleasure, I’m here to guide you every step of the way. So let’s start this beautiful journey together.
Book a free 15 mins 1:1 intro call to see if or how I can help!