I’ve been reviewing s** toys for over 7 years: Here’s why I still prefer my hands
Acoustic vs. electric. Manual vs. automatic. Hands vs. toys. Whatever your preference, I believe it's worth investigating our self-pleasure routines.
No matter how good the toy is, there’s something about using my hands that’s just so simply erotic…
While there are many incredible toys out there, and finding the right tool for you can seriously enhance the experience of pleasure, I still love my trusty hands.
I want to preframe this piece by saying: that there’s no shame in preferring electric over acoustic, automatic over manual; this is simply just my personal preference and is one I would also encourage anyone to explore and examine rather than falling into the trap of expectation.
That “expectation” was something that I used to fall into. For years I knew that my bullet vibe was up for the job, with no complaints (except a dying battery from time to time), and helped me finish quickly and efficiently. And therefore, I could “win” the game of mast*rbation.
However, when I went through a period of “losing my orgasm”, something I’ve written about previously here in my articles: Happiness or sex: What would you choose? and Redefining orgasm: A new approach to self-pleasure, vibrators didn’t quite cut it like they used to.
There was a frustrating urge to finish quickly and efficiently, and yet, my body was resistant. The sensations weren’t giving, and my gasm was seemingly nowhere to be found.
Around this time I was learning what it meant to be a sensual being. I was opening my mind up to new ways of exploring my sexuality through the senses and through mindful self-touch.
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A quick rewind in time
Flashback to my pre-toy days, as an early teen, I was obsessed with manual mast*rbation. To the point where I genuinely thought I was addicted. Scary times. Especially being a girl, there’s sooo much to be said about the shame and lack of education or positive narratives for female sexuality (something I wrote about here: Sensual self-touch: Why is a m*sturbation circle so shameful?)
I remember lying awake after just judging myself with negative thoughts of pure disgust and disdain. And yet… my hands couldn’t stop reaching for that pleasure zone.
My first intro to sex toys
Bearing in mind my first sex toy was a chunky rabbit-style toy that my first proper boyfriend bought me. The “rabbit ears” was actually a dolphin that would stimulate the clitoris, while the main part was a thick dildo that made terrifying electronic sounds when turned on. Early on I found that my body preferred just the dolphin part, but only now do I understand that my body needs to be ready (already aroused) and consenting for anything to go inside it! The vagina is so wise, and it’s important we listen to its “yes” and “nos”.
I also recall buying my first bullet vibrator that was shaped like a butterfly during my year abroad in Amsterdam and was thrilled by the broad sensation of the wings.
Only in recent years, did I learn that a third of people prefer indirect clit stimulation, while two-thirds like direct. Hence why I reckon I loved my butterfly even more than the dolphin’s pointy beak!
Building my (extensive) toy collection
As I began to work in the sex tech industry, I was being exposed to so many new toys and tools that opened me up to whole new worlds of pleasure.
My first official job after uni was at a vibrator company, MysteryVibe, and since then I have collaborated with a range of other toy brands such as Je Joue, Lovehoney, Wisp, Sh! Women’s Emporium, Clone-a-Willy + Clone-a-Pussy, HANX, Hot Octopuss, Ann Summers, and many more, as well as writing and reviewing sex tech for the online magazine SEXTECHGUIDE. Here are just a small selection of my reviews from over the years:
It’s safe to say, I can’t remember the last time I actually bought a toy - and I have zero clue how many toys I actually own (many unused have been given away in competitions or at workshops or as gifts for friends). So I’ve been incredibly lucky to have been given so many toys for free and, of course, I love sharing the love.
A case for the toys
What I didn’t realise was that in reviewing all of these toys, I was on the path of educating others as well as myself about what pleasure our bodies are capable of.
I learnt how to listen to my body before introducing a toy to it.
I learnt that building sensation can help create longer and stronger orgasms and even help with squirting.
I learnt that combining internal and external stimulation can trigger blended orgasms.
I learnt that using a butt plug or a glass wand can offer new sensations during climactic pelvic floor contractions.
I learnt that using toys with a partner can add novelty and excitement as well as open up new conversations around mutual pleasure.
I learnt that long-distance sex could be even more fun with remote toys (though connectivity-dependent, it might have adverse effects).
And I’m continuing to learn. This is the joy of our pleasure journey, it’s forever fluctuating, growing, shifting, changing.
It might also be worth adding here, that many of my clients either come to me because they’ve never had an orgasm (and when I recommend a suction toy - they can), or they feel like they are unable to touch themselves without a toy, which is also totally okay! Whether it’s to do with a mental or emotional block, or a fear around the absence of orgasm without it, please know that you are normal, and you are not broken.
I know there is a lot of fear and misinformation on the internet around sex toy addiction or “dead vagina syndrome” and I actually wrote about debunking those myths here: Vibrator myths debunked: addiction, desensitisation and anorgasmia.
Not to mention, buying the right kind of toy for your boy is essential: Rumbly vs buzzy vibrators: What’s the difference and how do you tell them apart?
Back to the topic at hand…
So despite all of this gorgeous learning that can come from toys. Why do I still prefer my hands? Well if you think about it, the hands are incredible tools that have actually been developed over hundreds of thousands of years.
They have the ability to feel, to sense, to heat, to cool, to inflict pain, to arouse sensation, to give, to receive. Wow. They are literally trying to invent these in the sex robot world with the latest robotics and skin technology and we already have these great tools at our fingertips.
As I have developed my Sensual Intimacy Coaching practice, I’m constantly looking for new ways to teach people about their pleasure from a mindful perspective, because this is where we can expand our experience.
Betty Martin is one of my greatest inspirations as an intimacy coach, in particular her practice of Waking Up the Hands, has been a total game changer for my own pleasure and many of my clients.
This is also something we teach people in our Sensual Self-Touch workshops alongside Somatic Sexologist Valentine Bordet. Our next event Exploring Your Edges & Playing With Pleasure is on the 2nd March 2025, grab your ticket while you can!
There’s something so delicious about being present to giving myself touch, bringing awareness to receiving that touch, as well as incorporating the erotic mind whereby I can fantasise that my hands are someone else’s hands, or my body is someone else’s body (perks of being into all genital configurations I guess lol), and noticing how my body wants to touch and be touched from moment to moment.
This kind of awareness has helped me build confidence around my pleasure and being able to communicate that to partners!
So, again ZERO shame if you prefer toys, but maybe once in a while you might want to give the batteries a rest, and see what happens when you bring your hands into the fold.
Equally, if you’re a handy-girly like me, it’s also worth giving those fingers some respite, and charge up your toys! The point I really want to emphasise is that there is pleasure to be had with diverse sensations - by doing this we can rewire our neural pathways in our brain and this is how we expand our capacity for more pleasure.
Give it a go and let me know what you think! If you’re also looking for additional support and resources check out the links below.
Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:
“Reviewing “.lol