Sensual self-touch: Why is a m*sturbation circle so shameful?
Join me, as this week we explore the difference between good and bad shame; haunting teenage memories; the m*sturbation gap; and s*xual double standards.
This year, my friend and somatic sexologist, Valentine Bordet and I decided to host masturbation circles together. We knew how controversial this might be and thanks to the well-known online censorship that we knew we would face, we had to be creative with the title… hence “Sensual Self-Touch”, lol.
So since April 2024, we’ve been holding Sensual Self-Touch workshops, a mindful body and vulv3 exploration.
On 1st December will be our third iteration, and yet, we are still faced with so much difficulty with getting the word out there. Why? Well, shame will do that.
Instagram will hide our posts, and who knows how many will receive this in their spam! I’ve been shadow banned on social media countless times for post educational content, and my IG account was even deleted a year ago.
Yet, I remain determined to continue sharing this information. I had a client this week who was from the US, and felt called to share that doing this work felt radical and more political than ever. Our bodily autonomy is being threatened by the top, and it’s essential we take agency and control over our pleasure.
So… if you feel called to liberating yourself from the shame and embark on sexual self-empowerment with a bunch of other curious people, or if you know someone who might benefit from this experience, use the code YAY for 10% off and get your ticket now:
Equally, if you don’t feel ready to attend one of these, or want to learn more about this topic, see the links at the bottom. It’s super important to grow at your own pace, and build a sense of trust. Or, if you want to explore these topics in a 1:1 setting, I have a couple of coaching slots left before the end of the year.
Teenage dreams were made of nightmares
I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up we were privy to “soggy biscuit” rumours, where boys would gather in a circle and the last one to ejaculate on the biscuit had to eat it. Whether this happened or not, the conversation around male masturbation was rife. It was a given. It was something that boys just had to do.
However when I was exploring my own self-pleasure as a teenager, there was no one talking about it in my circle of friends. Maybe one or two would outwardly express that they’ve watched porn, and you’d hear rumours of someone humping a pillow. Yet, it was so riddled with shame and secrecy.
I remember lying in my bed enjoying touching myself, but once I reached climax, a wave of disgust, shame, fear, self-loathing washed over me. I thought “there’s something wrong with me,” “I shouldn’t be doing this,” “am I doing it too much?” “am I doing it wrong?”
Years later, I’m now a Sensual Intimacy Coach, and faced with clients of all ages who go through similar and other fears around self-pleasure. Predominantly, not feeling like it’s important, it’s frivolous, or downright uncouth … yet, if you dig a few layers deeper, it’s usually a feeling of unworthiness around receiving pleasure, or a sense of disgust towards their own body and genitals.
Good shame versus bad shame
I believe there is a place for shame in our society, it can take the form of keeping us in community and a sense of belonging when it’s coated in love and care, i.e. it’s shameful to masturbate in public without the consent of passersby. Healthy shame can guide us toward positive relationships with ourselves and our communities.
However, when shame becomes toxic, i.e. tells us we are “bad people” for enjoying self-pleasure, there’s a feeling that we will be excluded, isolated, and rejected for expressing our authentic selves.
Studies consistently reveal a significant disparity between men and women when it comes to masturbation, orgasms, and sexual behaviour overall, such as:
(the following points are taken from article on Mashable written by Mary Morgan)
“The Sexual Double Standard (SDS) that describes societal gender-based prejudice in which women are judged more harshly than men for engaging in the same sexual behavior.”
“The masturbation gap between men and women shows that men are more likely to masturbate compared to women 95 to 85 percent respectively in the UK. And weekly masturbation habits in the UK show that 64 percent of men masturbate at least once a week, compared to just 34 percent of women.”
“Talking about masturbation is also an issue, whereby 54 percent of men in the UK speak to friends, compared to 37 percent of women. The gap remains regardless of the audience, with men more likely to speak to their partners (65 to 53 percent), family (32 to 17 percent), or online strangers (36 to 16 percent).”
“And the well-known orgasm gap, that shows heterosexual and bisexual women regularly experiencing orgasm in long-term partnerships only 65% and 66% of the time (respectively), compared to 95% of straight men.”
Taking baby steps to unlearning shame
Here are some ways you might benefit from unlearning that shame:
Attend a masturbation circle
Work with a sexual wellbeing professional (hi 👋)
Talk to your friends about masturbation more
Become more intentional with your self-pleasure practice
Explore solo-sex aftercare rituals (will share more on this)
Leave a comment to share how you might unlearn shame …
More on the Sensual Self-Touch workshop
Mashable Article: What happens at a sensual masturbation workshop? Well, it blew my mind.
Diva Interview: Meet the creators behind London’s new guided self-touch workshop.
Pleasure Stories:
Coming soon: Ep.4 What would you like to learn about self-pleasure?
Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:
Wow! really appreciate your putting yourself "out there!" Hope you can help lots of people to the other side of shame.