We are all perfectly imperfect: On embracing the messiness of relationships
Happy 2025! Just some ramblings from a messy girly trying to navigate relationships in this messy world. Please comment and like if you relate!
Happy New Year my lovely anxious pleasure seekers!
As we transition into this new chapter (if the calendar year resonates with you), I’m curious about what it is that you want to feel in your relationships this year. And what have you learned from past relationships that you want to let go of and take forward with you?
Because, let’s be honest, humans can be incredibly messy, and yet, we still put so much pressure on ourselves to appear perfect.
I love this song by Lola Young, which has been a great reminder of radical self-acceptance, despite feeling like we aren’t good enough (whether that’s a belief learnt from a nasty ex or from our social conditioning)!
“Cause I'm too messy and then I'm too fucking clean” just reminds me we can never be this “perfect person” for anyone, we can only strive to be our full authentic MESSY selves.
I mean, I can really only speak for myself, but does anyone else out there find relationships really hard? I count myself very lucky that I’ve met some incredible teachers and guides over the years that have helped me with this area of my life, and it’s one of the reasons why I do what I do as an Intimacy Coach!
In fact, I entered 2025 at a gorgeous retreat, with 17 other queer humans, ecstatically dancing, setting intentions, country walks, and breathwork for letting go. It was here that I was deeply reminded of who I am. At my core. I was able to release some of the rubbish that was clouding my vision, especially after bumping into my ex a few weeks before, and just a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism that built up from the past year.
While many previous new year’s have been spent black out drunk, waking up the next day with pangs of regret and regrettable messages – this new year, I felt nourished and settled… plus having not been on my phone for two whole days!
So I’m incredibly grateful to have been held by a community of intentional relationships.
Conflict is inevitable
One of my patterns is conflict avoidance. If I could just avoid the messiness, I wouldn’t have to deal with people not liking me. This avoidance feeds my limiting belief that I’m not likeable unless I work for it, unless I prove myself as easy-going.
And yet, more often than not, I find myself turning whatever conflict is in front of me inwards; a battle bubbling up inside of me. “If only they didn’t say that mean thing, I would have had a good day, they’re such an asshole”, or, “I wish I hadn’t let them push me around like that, I’m such a pathetic loser.”
Can you relate?
Unsure what to do with this frustrating energy, it can come bursting out in unexpected ways such as passive aggression, or burn out and isolation. Neither that great for cultivating healthy relationships.
Over the years, I’ve experienced lifelong friendship breakups, group friendship breakdowns, heartbreaking romantic endings, and familial conflict. I’m sure we can all relate to at least some of these relational situations.
And while I could sit on my high horse and point the finger at everyone else’s faults for these, there’s such an unspeakable truth, we all play a part in the cycle of harm. At some point in our lives, we will cause harm as well as be a victim of harm. Not to justify harm in any way, but once we embrace this idea, there comes a sense of relief… of compassion.
For example, last year I felt increasingly irritable at an *unnamed person* in my life for making an unwanted comment about my relationship and felt my emotions were dismissed. Over time, a resentment built up inside me and I could feel myself pulling away. With a close friend holding me accountable, I knew a conversation was needed. It was SO hard. But SO worthwhile.
After expressing my feelings, I now feel so much closer to this person as they got to know me and my needs better.
Allowing for the mess
While our so-called “negative” feelings may be that of anger, guilt, shame, even disgust – it’s important to remember that it’s not the feelings that are the problem, but how we respond to those feelings that typically keep us stuck and spiralling. I.e. the feeling of shame for feeling shame, or the feeling of anger for feeling angry.
It’s about time that we as a society let ourselves feel all the feels and let go of striving for perfection. When we strive for perfection, we tend to miss out on the opportunity for learning and growth, only to make the same mistakes over and over again. This does take practice though, and with more evidence of resolving conflict (bear in mind, this only works with people who respect our boundaries) it really does get easier.
PSA: If someone doesn’t feel safe to express your feelings or your boundaries to, then it’s okay to walk away!
No matter how much “healing” we might do on our own in isolation, when we are triggered in relationships we can become fallible creatures who will inevitably make mistakes, and this will, yes, create conflict.
Often conflict arises when we haven’t been clear about our boundaries. Ugh (eye roll) boundaries, I know. I wrote about this previously in my piece Boundaries for Better Confidence: The Art of Saying Yes To Yourself, but it is something I encourage us to constantly and continuously work on.
Remember: Conflict is going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be complicated. But my question to you is – would you rather people know you authentically? Or live in a false sense of safety that constricts your full potential for connection.
A little life hack, the more in tune I am becoming with my soma (Greek term for 'the body living in its wholeness') the more I am aligning my feelings with my actions.
Somatic journaling questions for relational accountability
Write down a time where there was conflict with another person
Recall what was happening around you; sights, sounds, texture, smells, tastes
How did this conflict feel in your body; where feels constricted, where feels open?
If that constriction had a message for you, what would it say?
If that openness had a message for you, what would it say?
What is one thing you could learn from this conflict for future relationships?
What type of connections do you want to create?
What is one thing you will do to hold yourself accountable?
Who is one person who will help hold you accountable?
These questions can be useful for sifting through the internal messiness. When we feel mentally unclear and emotionally dysregulated, it can be difficult to see the conflict for what it really is and how we can grow from each experience we encounter.
Authentic vulnerability
If people don’t know you, the real you, then how can we ever expect them to understand or relate to you.
Authentic vulnerability (being honest about how I am feeling even if it feels hard) is something I am working on in my own relationships, to ensure a sense of depth and safety in the connections I am forming and continue to nurture. This needs to allow for the messiness, the fuck-ups, the opportunities for conflict and resolution that doesn’t need to be rushed nor swept under the rug.
How do we do this? I mean, I’m not here to tell you exactly “how”, but perhaps inspire the what and the why. What can be useful is realigning with our values:
What type of person do you want to be known for?
What type of connections do you want to create?
What types of people do you want to attract?
While we are not responsible for other people’s emotions, we are responsible for how we show up in relationships and how we stay true to ourselves through the process.
So let go of perfectionism. Let go of the need to get it right all the time. And embrace the messiness of relationships. Take each conflict as a chance to learn something new about yourself, to recenter you in the relationships you want to be in and communities you want to be part of.
Are you willing to tolerate the consequences of keeping yourself small, constricted, inauthentic? Or are you curious about opening up to your vulnerabilities through authentic expression and seeing what magic that can bring?
If you are needing additional support, check out some of the resources below including the Heart Expansion Meditation, or consider booking a discovery call with me to see if or how I can best support you through the mess.
Sending sensual love and intimate care your way x
Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:
Excellent and relatable piece as always. And good advice. :)