Boundaries for better confidence: The art of saying yes to yourself
People-pleasing destroying your relationships? Performing ruining your sex life? "Playing nice" is how many of us were brought up. Yet, it's having a significant impact on our relationship confidence.
For years, I struggled to understand why I felt tense, frustrated, or overwhelmed, when people were asking things of me. Even though I appeared all smiles on the outside, my insides twisted in knots.
I’d think, “There must be something wrong with me.” Instead of holding myself with compassion, I tried to become more likeable, hoping that the more I controlled the external, the more it would ease the internal discomfort.
And yet, little did I know, I was becoming porous. A pretzel - bent into whatever shape someone wanted me in. A robot - programmed to neglect my desires, and abandon my needs, all in the aim of appeasing and pleasing others.
Until. Flop. Snap. Malfunction.
I’d reach my limits. Beyond what I was capable of giving. Anxiety, burnout, angry outbursts. To the point that I had to seriously reconsider how I was living my life… which was apparently on everyone else’s terms, leaving me feeling low in confidence, and low in self-esteem.
What I began to learn was that I needed boundaries.
But what the hell is a boundary? And how do I begin to go about putting them into practice?
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What are boundaries?
Often boundaries can feel quite abstract, but over the years I’ve come across a few lovely quotes that have helped me understand them more.
“A boundary is the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” - Prentis Hemphill.
I love this idea as I can fully visualise the space between myself and others, and start to practically develop a sense of what creating a boundary entails: a sense of self-love; a sense that I also matter when I’m making decisions.
“When you are saying ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself” - Paul Coelho
The art of saying no, really is just that. An art. A creative skill we can develop and build on. But saying no when we haven’t practised can be messy, and we won’t always be perfect in our execution.
While saying no may come more easily to some (and I am forever inspired by those people), for people like me, it may just take a bit longer to set those authentic and healthy boundaries in the way we’d like to.
Using visualisation practices we can imagine scenarios and discern what might feel like stretching beyond our capacity. For example: resentment, overwhelm, or exhaustion. And in the body that might feel like a tension, a closing, or tightness.
The art of saying yes to yourself is like building a structure around yourself, the container or domain of what you like, want, need, and desire. To affirm this container, we need to be confident about what our likes and dislikes are; our turn-ons and turn-offs; what we want or are willing to do and what we are tolerating or enduring.
The curse of being the “yes man”
So, this brings us to the festive holiday season - also known as the season of giving, and more often than not: over-giving. It’s even more essential during this time that we practice giving to ourselves too! Even when it’s hard. Nay, especially when it’s hard.
Saying yes to all the fun things may bring new and exciting experiences in life… like saying yes to all of the Christmas parties, all of the family events, all of the mince pies, and all of the Baileys (yumyumyum).
We also need to find a balance of saying no to the things we don’t want, as saying yes to everything can inhibit us from prioritising the things we want to say yes to.
While saying no to things might leave us feeling like we are missing out on life, being unable to say yes to what we want can lead us to miss out on truly important things.
The sxc perks of saying yes to yourself
And this can be true in relationships and sex too! If we are just saying yes to people or experiences that don’t truly align with our values or desires, we might be missing out on the intimacy that will fulfil and nourish our souls.
One study found that women who scored high on assertiveness were found to be more satisfied sexually. And it makes sense.
One of my favourite analogies is to imagine you have two people engaging in sex, and yet neither person knows what they want for themselves, but just says yes to whatever the other person is trying… You potentially end up with two people performing pleasure.
Compared to two people who are:
informed in their desires,
clear about their boundaries,
able to communicate their needs,
able to negotiate,
and able to receive a no.
I’d say this pair would likely have a lot more fun.
“But how do you know what you do want?” I hear you ask. And yes, I find this question so valid. How can we make the right choice for ourselves, let alone communicate our desires, when we don’t even know what we want or like?
Making better decisions
Whether it’s in bed or in your everyday life, making decisions can be made a whole lot easier once we get clear on our values and our “whys”.
Decision-making becomes easier when we clarify our values and desired outcomes. For instance, if your weekend goal is to feel rested rather than adventurous, saying no to a late-night club outing aligns better with your value of stability.
However, this can get complicated if we have conflicting values, so it’s important to understand how you prioritise them.
While consent frameworks often espouse “enthusiasm” as the mediator for a consensual sexual experience, that’s just not the case for a lot of us, and our ‘yes’ may vary in emotion but can still be consensual.
I help my clients to discern a “wanting and excited” yes from a “willing”, “curious”, or “tolerating” yes through an embodied practice of sitting with your feelings. This spectrum of consent can help us to feel less shame around our mixed feelings when being asked to do or give something.
What this framework also offers, is an opportunity for us to pause and consider what the conflicting messages our body is telling us and how to navigate making better decisions.
Whether that is asking for more time to consider the options, negotiating or adjusting the offer, or clearly stating a “no” this isn’t for me, or at least a “not right now”.
A life-long practice
While I’m now so much more in tune with my body than I was a few years ago, I’m by no means perfect!
I can now notice subtle feelings of resentment or beginnings of overwhelm and burnout when someone is asking something from me, but it still takes a lot for me to clearly state my ‘no’ in the moment.
However, I am increasingly aware of when my ‘yeses’ might be crossing over into a “tolerating” or “enduring” yes, and so much better at taking a pause, asking for more time, and telling people I’m at my capacity.
So, I’d love to know, are you someone who needs support with making commitments to themselves and asking for things they need?
If you are finding yourself:
Feeling resentful when people are asking you for things
Struggle to say no to what you don’t want
Missing out on saying yes to things you do want
Unsure what you want in the bedroom, let alone how to communicate it
Find relationships difficult, whether that’s with yourself, your friends, family, or partners
Together, we can:
Discover your authentic values and their empowered ‘whys’
Discover your emotional capacity for what you’re willing to accept
Learn how to practice internal boundary setting on a full-bodied level
Learn how to make gentle but firm requests to build self-confidence
If this sounds like you, book a 15-minute introductory call to 1:1 Sensual Intimacy Coaching and let’s see if or how I can best support you!
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