I recently recorded my answers via short snappy videos, but wanted to add my more fleshed out thoughts and ideas in response to these questions. If any of this resonates with you, or if you have any questions yourself, please don’t hesitate to get in touch!
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Q1. What are the signs that you need more intimacy with yourself?
I love this question so much, because often we expect to just know exactly what our needs are and when we need them. Yet, in this fast-paced chronically-stressed out society, it’s easy to take our intimacy for granted… pushing it to the bottom of the to-do list (likely never getting “done”).
What can be a key indicator for needing intimacy with yourself, is often when we start to feel that tension or resentment with the people we care about - perhaps wishing they would give us the intimacy that we are craving.
A sign I’ve noticed in myself is that I typically overextend and over give with the hope that I’ll get intimacy in return. It is in those moments where I now recognise I need to tend to my own needs. To turn my attention inwards and ask “what kind of intimacy can I gift myself right now?”
Not treating it like a task as such, but savouring the process of simply noticing and gifting.
Luckily, you are your own best lover. You know your own love languages: what fills you up, what brings you relaxation, happiness, pleasure… And if you don’t? What a wonderful opportunity for self-discovery.
Q2. What’s the number one thing you’re surprised people don’t know about their own bodies?
So this question originally asked about “women”, and I got to thinking, ah perhaps they mean people assigned female at birth (AFAB). And from there, I thought of a whole host of incredible things that our bodies are capable of! Such as: multiple orgasms, or squirting (happy to share more on our pleasure capabilities in future posts).
But then I realised, the message isn’t just in the “goal” of achieving things that our bodies are capable of. It’s more in the fact that I’m surprised that most people (off all sexes and genders) are body illiterate! Myself included, once upon a time.
What I love to teach people is that the more you learn about what is possible, the more becomes possible. The more curious we are about our pleasure, the more we practice and experience, the more our capacity for pleasure grows.
I’ll be the first to say, I’m still on this beautiful journey, and continually find myself learning new things about my body.
So I bestow this adventure onto you! Now go forth and pleasure yourself!
Q3. How do you find the motivation to have sex or be intimate with a partner when you are both depressed, stressed, and constantly tired?
Stress is one of the biggest bedroom killers. I’m not joking. When our nervous systems are in fight, flight, freeze mode, sex is unlikely going to be on our radar.
What’s really interesting though, is that pleasure and the right kinds of intimacy for our bodies can be great tools for alleviating symptoms of stress! Creating a beautiful feedback loop of delicious hormones, and reducing the stress hormone.
Of course, if you and/or your partner is struggling with mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, considerate care is the ultimate priority. And please give yourselves the grace period for healing to allow your body to do what it needs to do without the pressure of needing to feel sexual!
What might be helpful, is instead of thinking about “how” to have sex in these periods, ask yourself and your partner “why” sex is important. Reminding yourself and each other of what intimacy means to you may help to bring back some of the erotic energy… and bring you back to each other more organically without the level of expectations and “shoulds” around quantity of sex.
Additionally, when desire feels like it’s gone out the window, try tuning into your individual sexual personalities to encourage desire to blossom. This might mean getting clued up on your turn ons and turn offs, creating the right contexts, and adjusting your environment to suit your needs.
For example, if stress at work is putting the “brakes” on your libido, create a post-work ritual to wind down such as meditating or dancing, to soothe and reset your nervous system.
Or if you know you love when your partner gives you a massage, set aside a date night where you get out all the oils and candles!
One final point, is that there is no shame when it comes to the ebbs and flows of our desire. Ride the wave, and know that whatever you’re going through is probably temporary. Tending to your sexual garden is just one way you might start to feel that motivation again.
Here’s a meditation I created for cultivating the garden of your sexuality:
Q4. Tips for me as a queer woman in a relationship with a trans man - specifically navigating enjoying and celebrating “straight” sex as a person who is turned off by heteronormativity?
When it comes to navigating your sexual preferences, it can seem really difficult to unlearn the social scripts that have been designed to keep us oppressed. For example, heteronormative sex privileges phallocentric pleasure and demonises anything that deviates from penis-in-vagina sex.
This doesn’t mean that “straight” sex can’t be fun! And playful! And even queer!
Simply by existing as a queer person you are challenging the cis-het norms by default, which ultimately (despite the challenges that we face as a community) can actually give you the space and freedom to be creative with your pleasure.
Use your relationship dynamic to help you redefine what sex means to you. Queering sex and queering pleasure can literally mean whatever you want it to mean! Explore “straight” sex in a way that feels good for you and your partner.
What I love teaching my clients is that we are often playing different roles in the bedroom, and that can include gender roles, but also energetic roles: giver, taker, allower, receiver.
Each of these roles can help you to discover all sorts of desires. But it comes with trial and error, and communicating what feels good from moment to moment.
I say: let yourselves play!
Q5. How do I feel more secure in my sexual identity?
Our sexual identities might be very different from what was expected of us growing up. Social conditioning teaches us to perform a certain way to be accepted and loved. For example, I was taught that women aren’t supposed to have their own sexuality, but be at the service of men’s pleasure.
My queer desires were tangled up with the heteronormative scripts, such as “my attraction to women is for the benefit of men”.
Now as we are on this beautiful journey of self-discovery, we can start to take stock, with the first step is looking inwards: reflect on what you learned growing up, and start to move towards what feels like is yours, and choose to let go of what doesn’t.
Q6. How do you navigate your new sexual anatomy after gender reassignment surgery?
I love the idea of treating gender reassignment (also known as confirmation) surgery almost like a second puberty. I’ve found treating lots of stages (i.e. menopause) in our lives like another puberty, simply because we are constantly going through physical bodily and hormonal changes, and yet we don’t give it the same gravity as we do our teenage years.
What does this look like? Exploring your body in a whole new way. While our teenage years may feel like a rush of horny emotions, as we transition in other stages of our life, I like to invite people to go slow.
So slow. Exploring pleasure at a pace in which the body is ready and feels safe enough to. It’s a process of building trust within yourself. Asking your new genitals for consent and seeing how they respond.
Personifying our bodies can be a great way to forge new relationships with them without feeling so disconnected. We all want to be on the same side!
Stay curious, be intuitive, and build on what feels good - following the pleasure and intrigue. Definitely check out Juno Roche’s book “Queer Sex” if you haven’t already. They explore their neo-pussy in such a beautiful way, tending to it’s needs and discovering new-found pleasure!
As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for at the moment:
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