Bi, shy, and ready to cry: Did you know it's bisexual visibility month?
Reflections on why bisexual visibility month is so important as this sad bisexual is flailing, while also taking this opportunity for some gratitude and celebration. (Plus all the bi-memes for you).
[TW: Mention of suicide & queer trauma]
Are you also bi, shy, and ready to cry? For many of us, our sexuality and mental health are deeply intertwined. Whatever your sexual orientation, living in a heteronormative society can be traumatising on many levels!
Hello, I’m back from a mini-writing break. Life has been a lot recently: work’s been (wonderfully) busy with new clients and various pleasure projects. However, ongoing healing from trauma has been downright exhausting; oh, and on the same week as officiating a friend’s wedding I went through a pretty big break up, woo… (and no, I’m not ready to talk about that just yet).
Needless to say, I’m feeling excited to get back into the swing of writing on here. Especially as it’s Bisexual Visibility Month, I feel called to share with you some thoughts on what it’s like being bi - and to celebrate the ups, and be grateful for the downs.
I recently saw an interesting post from a fellow bisexual researcher, Floralie, on something they called “the sad bi test” and it has made me reflect on the content that we consume as a community, the connections we make, and how this impacts our self-esteem!
“If our community only comes together through the discrimination we experience, it creates a community left unsaid, hidden between the lines. While sharing our sadness and traumas is important, it cannot be enough. We are more than that.”
Time for some sad bi
As bisexuals, our mental health is often tied to the biphobia and invisibility we face. So I want to acknowledge the bisexual hardships that are part of my experience. So, buckle up for a moment of "bi, shy, and ready to cry."
Biphobia: Biphobia manifests in stereotypes and the dismissal of bisexuality’s validity, extending to larger issues like lack of funding for services and increased mental health struggles.
For example: bisexual women experiencing the highest rates of anxiety (57.8%) compared to lesbian women (40.8%) and heterosexual women (31.3%); and for bisexual men the risk of suicide is highest (34.8%) compared to gay men (25.2%) and heterosexual men (7.4%).
Internalised biphobia: Stereotypes like “greedy”, “liar,” “slut”, “cheater” can be incredibly harmful for ones self-esteem. Personally, I had to unlearn beliefs such as: "I’ll never be happy in a long-term relationship with one gender"—ideas I absorbed simply by growing up being bi and being told these things from my peers and the media.
Relationship difficulties: With partners who haven’t unlearned their own biphobia, it can lead to some unsavoury remarks, such as “I can’t trust you because you’re more likely to cheat” (direct quote from a past lover) or “you can’t be bisexual now you’re with me” (and this one from a straight ex-boyfriend, and a gay ex-girlfriend).
All at the same time, people will assume that you’re always down for a threesome. And while threesomes can be great, the assumption can leave you feeling a bit icky.
Heteronormative sex-ed: The lack of comprehensive sex education adds shame and confusion, especially for people exploring their sexuality. Without learning about queer sex, pleasure-positive consent, and authentic communication, many of us are often left flailing when it comes to intimacy.
Compulsory heterosexuality: Adrienne Rich’s concept of compulsory heterosexuality in her 1980 essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence highlights how societal pressures enforce the belief that women’s “natural” attraction is toward men - inhibiting queer desire and erasing queer identities.
Rich explains that the “physical passion of woman for woman which is central to lesbian existence: the erotic sensuality which as been, precisely, the most violently erased fact of female experience. Heterosexuality has been both forcibly and subliminally imposed on women. Yet everywhere women have resisted it, often at the cost of physical torture, imprisonment, psychosurgery, social ostracism, and extreme poverty.“
Compulsory monogamy: I wrote about this topic for the bisexual magazine Unicorn: Investigating bisexuality and monogamy in the hopes to draw parallels between sexual oppression and relationship styles. With the hetero-patriarchal nuclear family upheld as the norm, queer people’s existence are deemed a threat to these systemic structures.
Queer trauma: Something that across the LGBTQ+ community can relate to is the traumatic experience of simply existing as queer in a cis-heteronormative world. Not to mention the intersecting identities such as gender, race, ability, class, and more, that create a variety of overlapping oppressions, and the distinct experiences within the LGBTQ+ community.
Not queer enough: Stigmas such as “just doing it for attention”, “just haven’t made their mind up”, “just being greedy” lead to bi erasure, and feelings of “not being queer enough”.
Uncertain futures: Growing up as bisexual, I never had a clear sense of what my future could look like. Positive representation was rare, and what did exist often portrayed bisexual characters as villains or home-wreckers, and often someone who “ended up gay” or “ended up straight.”
Becoming happy bis together
Okay, and breathe… That was a lot, eh? I guess the common thread is the shared experiences the bisexual community can bond over! I’m also aware there are many more difficulties I haven’t even touched upon that come with identifying as queer and/or bisexual in this world.
However! Floralie argues that creating “happy bi” content is important too, by asking questions like:
What joyful elements does our common identity rest on?
What positive bisexual role models do we have?
Is self-deprecation without humiliation possible?
What words have emerged in our community?
And, what positive stories do we have to tell?
Feel free to leave a comment with any thoughts or reflections on these questions:
By bring in the both/and, we can choose to expand on the positive stories and commit to doing “happy bi” too.
I wrote about being bisexual in 2019, called 20biteen, the year of the bisexual. As we are now in the year of the so-called “lesbian renaissance” I’m curious as to how much of a positive impact these cultural waves have had on being queer and happy.
For now… Here are some things that do bring me bisexual joy that I feel are worth noting and might offer some takeaways for you too:
Happy bi tears: When people feel safe to share their sexual identity with me, it literally brings me to tears. It’s often on a dance floor and someone whispers it in my ear. Part of the emotion comes from the honour of being trusted, and part of it is healing the loneliness I once felt in my queerness. My tears are a reminder of the joy that comes from that feeling of “yay!!! we exist” and also “my heart sees yours!”
Deep empathy: Despite the pain that comes with all the trauma, I am so grateful for the deep level of understanding what others are going through when coming to terms with their sexuality in this world.
Redefining sex: While dominant sexual scripts defines sex as “penis-in-vagina”, queer people have had to be creative and redefine sex and pleasure for ourselves, on our own terms. I love bringing that creative curiosity to my own experiences while also sharing these with my partners, my community, and the rest of society!
Redefining relationships: There is a level of freedom that can come with not knowing where you’re life is going to go depending on the gender of the person you may find yourself in a relationship with. While there is a lot of uncertainty, there is also possibility, choice, and options for a conscious life you want to live.
Gender playfulness: Ever since I was a young queer kid, there was an interesting element of playing with my gender. As a bisexual teen, I desperately wanted to attract the cute boys and girls… this hilariously led to me stealing and wearing my brothers Lynx Africa as a 15 year old to attract the girl I fancied at school (sorry if you’re reading this). And within my relationships, I’ve enjoyed the exploring masc and femme roles (it’s all made up anyway! lol).
Crush variety: I’m actually being invited to write a guest on my friend’s substack, in her series “Considering My Crushes” so stay tuned. I love the surprising feeling I get when I fancy someone new, and what it is about them, alongside their gender. Like, what is it about this person that draws me to them?
Meme hilarity: There is just an adorable sense of ridiculous community that comes out of meme culture. For example, bisexuals “always” wear cuffed jeans or do finger guns (accurate and oh-so true).
Community building & queer spaces: I adore the communities I have met and build over the years, from parties to politics, from the club to the streets. From co-running the Gay Straight Alliance in college, to marching in prides across the UK and Europe, as well as supporting political communities such as Lesbians and Gays Support the Migrants. I’m so grateful that there will always be a community for me that I can rely on to fight for my rights, and vice versa.
Ultimately, what I’ve learned is that being both a “happy bi” and a “sad bi” is that it’s not only okay to feel all the feels as I got through a difficult period in my life—it’s wholly necessary.
There’s power in making room for both the joy and the pain that come with our relationship to our sexuality, and that’s what makes our experiences human and intimately connects us to each other.
Queer Resources
A lot of what I do in my work is rooted in my journey with my sexuality, and for this reason, I feel called to make other people’s journeys less challenging - and share all of the little and big wisdoms and tools I’ve learned along the way.
If you are struggling with your sexuality, no matter how you identify, here are some resources that I hope might be useful for you:
Embodied Fluidity Meditation For Shedding Shame Around Sexuality
The Expansive Group, Sexuality, Gender & Relationship Counselling
Feel free to leave a comment below with all and any resources that you think might be useful for other readers who land on this page!
Good! Replying for a friend.
bisexuals unite 💗💜💙 loved this as always!